The Humor of Hades

Cat Commandments
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

A woman starts dating a married doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

A priest is walking along a pier in Rome when he sees a fisherman ready to go out fishing. He starts a conversation and the fisherman asks if he would like to go fishing with him. The priest says he knows nothing about fishing. The fisherman says he'll explain everything the priest needs to know.
As soon as they get out into deep water, the priest reels in this huge fish. The fisherman looks at the fish and says" Father, that's one big son-of-a-bitch"
The priest looks at the man and says "My son, please refrain from using that kind of language."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back." He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extra-marital affairs." The Father says, "You need to say 40 Hail Mary's, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish." The young man says, "Yes Father, they were."
The priest says then that he in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

Wanting to convert to the Catholic faith, Sam Goldstein was allowed to join the Church under the condition that he would, henceforth, obey all the laws governing Catholicism.
"Remember," warned the priest, "you also are not allowed to eat meat on Fridays."
"Yes, Father, I'll remember," Sammy promised as he left his last class.
The Father, concerned about his new convert decided to drop in on Sam that next Friday to see how he was doing. After being admitted into the house he was shocked to see Sam eating a huge steak.

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

The Seven Dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
“Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?”
“No, my son. All our nuns are at least five feet tall.”
“Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn’t have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?”
“I’m afraid not. Why do you ask?”